Letter to Midwife

This is the letter that I recently sent to a midwife that has been taking good emotional care of me:

And yes, I did meet with Esme on Tuesday. It was interesting for me.

I was so ill when I was pregnant, and then I had the c-section. I was going through a "miserable" time when I was pregnant, and it was interesting for me to be back at the birth center when things were relatively normal. It made me realize how fond my memories of the birth center are despite the fact that I was "miserable" the whole time, and it inspired me to start thinking about having more babies. Somehow being back at the birth center just made me believe that it was possible for me to make it.

Esme gave me some good insight into the things that she could. She answered some of the questions that had been floating around and assured me that some of the "unanswered" will never be answered and that I should find peace with that. I was not at all upset with her, but meeting with her made me realize how competent of a midwife that she is and how the events that led up to the c-section were really all my decisions that were under my complete control. I need a more educated and real look at birth the next time and not just a faint hope that the birth would be better than the awful pregnancy that I had. I also need to make sure that the proper people are present and that I have the strength and integrity to butt my opinion in when I feel that something is not right.

I don't know how to not feel like crying or that I had lost something every time to consider her birth. I think that is a natural thing to go through. I now feel like I have some closure on the subject and have been able to put the responsibility for what happened back on my shoulders completely, which is incredibly comforting and empowering.

And, I guess I know how bad it can be.

I want to have more children, many more if I can convince my husband of it. Perhaps the energy I have should be put into creating a better birth future for me. I want to get educated, and I think I need to mix it up a little.

I am now strongly interested in having a birth at home. In my own home without the worries of the outside world or the feeling that there is a "time" that needs to be met to go somewhere. There can be a lot of excitement about that personally and for the family that surrounds you. I want my next birth to be my husband, my daughter, my midwife and me at home with the phones off and a do not disturb sign on the door. We can call people after everything is over while we sit in bed as a family together. I guess this is my dream. A home VBAC.

And you, you are truly a loving and inspiring a midwife. Where have you been all my life? The little bits that I have talked to you here and there have given me confidence. I really, really, really hope that maybe I can convince you to make an appearance as a star in my next home VBAC dream.

Thanks!

Best,

Christine